I like to come home after a long day of seeing clients and have a peaceful, quiet night. My neighbor likes to unwind at night by working on his motorcycle. This involves revving his engine loudly, interrupting my peace.

It would be tempting to label him as a “Selfish, thoughtless jerk,” (OK, I have thought this.) However, it would also not be helpful. We are just in conflict.

From differing opinions to clashing values, why is conflict even happening? Understanding conflict can help us to navigate it more easily.

Reasons for Conflict

Conflict is part of what it means to be human. Whether you embrace conflict, sweep it under the rug, or stuff it until you explode, conflict will be part of your life.

Here are three reasons conflict is never going to go away:

1. Differences and Identity
   
   At the heart of conflict is our differences— opinions, values, priorities, or communication styles. People get a sense of self from their group memberships and tend to favor their own group (Tajfel & Turner, 1979). Sometimes when a person feels their beliefs are challenged or have clashing group loyalties, they might feel it’s a personal attack, creating defensiveness and conflict.
   
   2. Miscommunication
   
   Miscommunication is a large part of conflict. According to research by the Harvard Business Review, around 72% of conflicts happen because of misunderstandings (Kahn, 2015). Often, people think they communicate better than they really do.

3. Emotional Regulation
   
   Emotional regulation plays a critical role in conflict. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) creates a space for more understanding of your emotions and those of others.

   People with higher EQ tend to handle conflicts more constructively, because they prefer a win-win solution over winning an argument (Brackett et al., 2011). Using emotional regulation allows us to navigate disagreements without them spiraling out of control.

   While is it tempting to bang on my neighbor’s door and yell, “It’s 10:00 at night, what’s your problem with revving your engine???” it would be far more effective to approach him with a cool-headed discussion about our differences.

Improving Conflict

Since we are not carbon copies of each other (thank goodness!), we need strategies to talk about conflict in healthy ways.

Here are some practical ways to manage conflict:

1. Practice Active Listening: Use active listening, reflecting back what you hear and clarifying misunderstandings (Rogers & Farson, 1987). Know the difference between expressing yourself and receiving information.

2. Stay Calm and Cool: Keeping calm during conflict is essential. Research indicates that remaining in control of your emotions can help de-escalate tensions (Goleman, 1998; Fisher & Ury, 1991). Conflict is resolved more quickly when situations are de-escalated.

3. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person: Distinguishing between the person and the problem helps constructive dialogue. Talk about your concerns rather than attacking someone’s character (Fisher & Ury, 1991).

4. Seek Common Ground: Identify shared goals or values to foster collaboration (Fisher & Ury, 1991). We all want the same things: Safety, belonging, and to be loved.

5. Embrace the Differences: Conflict can be positive. It can lead to personal growth and a deepening of relationships when managed correctly (Rosenberg, 2003). Differing viewpoints can also spark innovative solutions.

Conflict for Growth

Conflict is a natural part of being human. By understanding the root causes of conflict, we can address it head on. Next time you find yourself in conflict, remember that beneath each clash lies the potential for growth.

Now, excuse me, I have to go talk to my neighbor about his motorcycle.

References

Brackett, M. A., Rivers, S. E., & Salovey, P. (2011). *Emotional intelligence in the classroom*. In C. K. Parker & J. P. A. Lammers (Eds.), *The Handbook of Emotional Intelligence* (pp. 265-293). Oxford University Press.


Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (1991). *Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In*. Penguin Books.

Goleman, D. (1998). *Working with Emotional Intelligence*. Bantam Books.

Kahn, D. (2015). The four types of difficult conversations. *Harvard Business Review*. Retrieved from [HBR.org](

https://hbr.org).

Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (1987). *Active Listening*. In M. H. Allen (Ed.), *The Handbook of Human Communication* (pp. 171-182). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). *Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life*. PuddleDancer Press.

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An Integrative Theory of Intergroup Conflict. In W. G. Austin & S. Worchel (Eds.), *The Social Psychology of Intergroup Relations* (pp. 33-47). Brooks-Cole.

Important Note: This is not a substitute for mental health therapy or medical advice. For questions about your specific situation, seek a mental health professional (not AI; that’s a whole other post). These pages are only meant to complement the work you are already doing on your mental health journey. ~National Suicide Hotline #988.

She raised her voice while pointing her index finger with authority, “So I told him….”

Just, no…

Communication is a complex set web of skills, more than just expressing yourself. Connected communication is about deepening your connection with another person.

As a professional communicator, I LOVE when people tell me how great they are at communicating while they are interrupting me.

We are not connecting.

Connected communication is often overlooked when teaching communication skills. You can express yourself all day (and some people do), but without truly connecting with others.

Many people want to improve their communication skills because they notice the missing human connection. However, Googling “Communication Skills” will get you a list of “Active Listening skills” or a random list that is hard to apply.

Here’s what you really need to know for connected communication:

Let’s Connect

1. Take a Complete Inventory. As stated, good communication is complex. How are your assertiveness, body language, social, public speaking, networking, critical thinking, conflict resolution, collaboration, leadership, and crisis management skills? These build upon and interweave with each other.

You are constantly communicating with others. I know people whose awkward body language causes people to feel uncomfortable around them. Other people have might struggle with assertiveness, creating a lack of authenticity in their relationships.

2.Get real feedback. Get feedback from a trusted source on your strengths and areas of growth on how well you communicate. Friends, loved ones or a good coach could provide the necessary feedback. It’s awkward, but even reviewing videos of yourself interacting with others might be illuminating.

3.Communication skills are just skills. No one was born knowing these skills – they can be taught and you can learn. Many, many people say, “I don’t like conflict.” You might be uncomfortable with public speaking or have no idea how to network your way through a crowded room.

Identifying changes is a huge step. Lean into your strengths to feel more connected with others.

4.Separate your expressive and receptive skills. Even experienced communicators often need to learn that spoken language has two parts – receptive skills (catching the ball) and expressive skills (throwing the ball). People tend to be strong on one side.

When I hear complaints, “She just doesn’t communicate,” they are usually complaining about the other person’s ability or willingness to get the words out, the other person’s expressive skills. They usually have good expressive skills.

People with strong expressive skills can work on their receptive skills (catching the ball, translation: listening) and being more patient.

People who have good receptive skills (throwing the ball) but have a hard time expressing themselves can tell their partner they need time for processing. They could also use a feelings chart.

Developing both expressive and receptive skills – talking and listening – will help you to feel and be heard by your partner, creating connection.

5.Change One Thing. To connect even better with others, know your communication strengths and your areas of growth. Where does connection keep breaking down? You might notice that you have a “closed” body language when in new situations. Or, you might work on not interrupting others.

Make small changes until they become part of what you do. Over time, your communication patterns will change and connections will feel richer.

Deepening the Connection

This is what happened with my client Katie. Her tendency was to jump in and speak before her husband. She began pausing, letting the situation breathe. The couple started to notice less tension and less competition in their conversation. They actually were having conversations. The relationship started to shift for them.

Your turn: What are your communication strengths and areas of improvement? Where would you like more connections with others?

Important Note: This is not a substitute for mental health therapy or medical advice. For questions about your specific situation, seek a mental health professional (not AI; that’s a whole other post). These pages are only meant to complement the work you are already doing on your mental health journey. ~National Suicide Hotline #988.

*All client details have been altered to protect confidentiality.

If you want even more aggressive communicators in your life, read social media to see great examples of people dominating conservations, name calling, or undermining others. After a while, you should be saturated for life.

To keep our sanity, we need strategies. However, interacting with aggressive communicators can be like doing a wheelie on a motorcycle during rush hour traffic.

.Here are helpful things to know:

Read more

Doreen*, a therapy client, was telling me about her son’s demands for money. As she refused his requests, his language was devolving into anger, blaming and even name-calling. “He has always been outspoken,” she admitted.

My friend Gina and I discussed a breakdown in communication with a client at her small company. I reviewed the emails. Gina wrote in clear language the terms of their agreement and asked how to reach a resolution. The client wrote back, “Why do you have to be so aggressive?”

No and no.

Assertiveness or Aggressiveness?

It is common to wonder -- assertiveness or aggressiveness? However, confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness is like confusing an aware, relaxed dog with a growling, angry dog. Both dogs, each communicating something different.

Buckle up, everyone. Time to talk about communication styles.

Communication Styles

Your communication style is how you express yourself. It’s the totality of communication, including what you say, your body language and the way you listen -- or don’t.

Passive Communication Style

Passive communicators don’t talk about their needs directly and they try to avoid conflict. As a result, they often feel overlooked and walked on.

Examples:

-- Not saying an opinion: “I don’t know where to eat. Maybe Mexican? Or Thai? What do you think?”

-- Not making decisions: “I don’t want to think about this, maybe the group should decide.”

-- Not setting boundaries. “Yes, I can do that,” (when they definitely mean “no”).

Aggressive Communication Style

Aggressive communicators try to dominate conversations and undermine others. Yelling, accusations and blaming are aggressive. They might use non-verbal cues such as invading physical space and glaring.

Examples:

-- Insults: “You are weak and you suck.”

-- Hostility: “Cry harder, I don’t care about your tears.”

-- Blaming: “This is your fault for messing everything up.”

Assertive Communication Style

Assertive communication is a position of mutual respect. It is direct, honest and clear. It allows people to stand up for themselves while considering the rights of others. It fosters dialogue.

Examples:

-- Clarity: “I don’t like the way the situation was handled last time and I would like to change it next time.”

-- Confidence: “Please apply the coupon to my oil change.”

-- Expressing Needs: “Thai food is my vote tonight.”

Passive-Aggressive Style

Passive-aggressive communicators express themselves indirectly. Hiding true feelings can create confusion and a toxic situation.

Examples:

-- Sarcastic Comments: “Wow, was the barber wearing a blindfold when he cut your hair? Just kidding, can’t you take a joke?”

-- Indirectness: Shows up 15’ late, accidentally on purpose.

-- Silent Treatment: Doesn’t return texts, over and over and over.

Wait, Aggressiveness is Good, Right?

Short answer: No. Longer answer: See my next post!

You Can Change

For Doreen, her son was not “being outspoken,” his behavior was aggressive. The name-calling, blaming, refusing to accept “no money,” and lack of respect are things she is learning to address.

Gina was assertive. Sure, things can go sideways in email, but she communicated clearly, expressed her expectations, kept the dialogue open. She tried to reach a resolution.

You can change your communication style. Awareness is the first step. Knowing that assertiveness and aggressiveness are not the same thing is an amazing step forward.

Important Note: This is not a substitute for mental health therapy or medical advice. For questions about your specific situation, seek a mental health professional (not AI; that’s a whole other post). These pages are only meant to complement the work you are already doing on your mental health journey. ~National Suicide Hotline #988.

*All client details have been altered to protect confidentiality.

Read more

First Job – Got Me Cheaply

I learned the cost of not asserting myself the hard way. When I was searching for my first counseling job in the early 1990s, I flung resumes throughout the US, allowing fate a free hand in my future. I landed an interview in Colorado Springs, where I live now.

Upon leaving the Colorado Springs airport, this New Orleans girl was blown away at the stunning beauty of the actual purple mountains of the Front Range. I didn’t hide my enthusiasm. The person who picked me up at the airport, later my boss, smirked all the way to the interview.

The interview was standard and at the end I was offered the job. “I can only pay you $19,000 a year, though. That’s it,” the boss barked. Shocked, I didn’t even try to negotiate. Years later, she would reflect, “I was really surprised I got you so cheaply.”

Lack of Respect

But not asserting myself cost more than money. The fact that she “got me so cheaply” cost me dearly – her respect.

I was constantly crossing swords with my boss. She gave me the lion’s share of the work, assessed my work differently and even tried to interfere when I got a second job. I eventually got the courage to go to my boss’ supervisor when my work life was untenable.

Stuck in a Pattern

Not asserting myself had other implications. I said, “I’m fine,” when I wasn’t. I didn’t speak up about issues that bothered me. My friends didn’t know the true me. More importantly, I didn’t know the true me. I wasn’t living in integrity.

I was raised in the South, where it was rude to push back or make someone uncomfortable. Later, I realized trauma also played a role. I was a volcano -- I’d stuff my feelings then explode. I felt I would always be stuck in this pattern.

As I worked in every aspect of mental health, including private practice for twenty-five years, as a college professor, and a speaker and trainer, I saw how a lack of assertiveness and conflict resolution skills clogged the works for other people, too.

Building Conquer Conflict

Clients in my practice reported that even when trauma work was completed, they still needed hands-on and practical tools to address conflict directly. So, I created those tools for myself, then used them with clients. I built them through a human-centered and trauma-informed lens, using my favorite format: Theory, plus step-by-step application, with plenty of practice.

Conquer Conflict has been refined in my practice, with individuals and in community groups. Participants reported feeling more confident asserting themselves, knowing how to handle conflict when it comes up.

Conquer Conflict Substack

Conquer Conflict Substack is reaching subscribers with newsletters to your inbox every Thursday. I will do videos twice a month, answering the deeper questions for richer discussions.

With rising tensions, it is difficult to have a clear understanding of what is healthy and what is not. It can be hard to hear your own voice in the cacophony. Now is the time to dig into assertiveness and conflict resolution skills.

Conquer Conflict aims to help you become more assertive, handle conflict and tell your truth so that you may live with your highest integrity in these difficult times. Looking forward to seeing you on Substack.

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Important Note: This is not a substitute for mental health therapy or medical advice. For questions about your specific situation, seek a mental health professional (not AI; that’s a whole other post). These posts are only meant to complement the work you are already doing on your mental health journey. ~National Suicide Hotline #988.