Why Conflict?

The Science Behind Our Disagreements

Who’s the Jerk?

I like to come home after a long day of seeing clients and have a peaceful, quiet night. My neighbor likes to unwind at night by working on his motorcycle. This involves revving his engine loudly, interrupting my peace.

It would be tempting to label him as a “Selfish, thoughtless jerk,” (OK, I have thought this.) However, it would also not be helpful. We are just in conflict.

Why can’t we all just get along?

From differing opinions to clashing values, why is conflict even happening? Understanding conflict can help us to navigate it more easily.

Reasons for Conflict

Conflict is part of what it means to be human. Whether you embrace conflict, sweep it under the rug, or stuff it until you explode, conflict will be part of your life.

Here are three reasons conflict is never going to go away:

1. Differences and Identity
   
   At the heart of conflict is our differences— opinions, values, priorities, or communication styles. People get a sense of self from their group memberships and tend to favor their own group (Tajfel & Turner, 1979). Sometimes when a person feels their beliefs are challenged or have clashing group loyalties, they might feel it’s a personal attack, creating defensiveness and conflict.
   
   2. Miscommunication
   
   Miscommunication is a large part of conflict. According to research by the Harvard Business Review, around 72% of conflicts happen because of misunderstandings (Kahn, 2015). Often, people think they communicate better than they really do.

3. Emotional Regulation
   
   Emotional regulation plays a critical role in conflict. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) creates a space for more understanding of your emotions and those of others.

   People with higher EQ tend to handle conflicts more constructively, because they prefer a win-win solution over winning an argument (Brackett et al., 2011). Using emotional regulation allows us to navigate disagreements without them spiraling out of control.

   While is it tempting to bang on my neighbor’s door and yell, “It’s 10:00 at night, what’s your problem with revving your engine???” it would be far more effective to approach him with a cool-headed discussion about our differences.

Improving Conflict

Since we are not carbon copies of each other (thank goodness!), we need strategies to talk about conflict in healthy ways.

Here are some practical ways to manage conflict:

1. Practice Active Listening: Use active listening, reflecting back what you hear and clarifying misunderstandings (Rogers & Farson, 1987). Know the difference between expressing yourself and receiving information.

2. Stay Calm and Cool: Keeping calm during conflict is essential. Research indicates that remaining in control of your emotions can help de-escalate tensions (Goleman, 1998; Fisher & Ury, 1991). Conflict is resolved more quickly when situations are de-escalated.

3. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person: Distinguishing between the person and the problem helps constructive dialogue. Talk about your concerns rather than attacking someone’s character (Fisher & Ury, 1991).

4. Seek Common Ground: Identify shared goals or values to foster collaboration (Fisher & Ury, 1991). We all want the same things: Safety, belonging, and to be loved.

5. Embrace the Differences: Conflict can be positive. It can lead to personal growth and a deepening of relationships when managed correctly (Rosenberg, 2003). Differing viewpoints can also spark innovative solutions.

Conflict for Growth

Conflict is a natural part of being human. By understanding the root causes of conflict, we can address it head on. Next time you find yourself in conflict, remember that beneath each clash lies the potential for growth.

Now, excuse me, I have to go talk to my neighbor about his motorcycle.

References

Brackett, M. A., Rivers, S. E., & Salovey, P. (2011). *Emotional intelligence in the classroom*. In C. K. Parker & J. P. A. Lammers (Eds.), *The Handbook of Emotional Intelligence* (pp. 265-293). Oxford University Press.


Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (1991). *Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In*. Penguin Books.

Goleman, D. (1998). *Working with Emotional Intelligence*. Bantam Books.

Kahn, D. (2015). The four types of difficult conversations. *Harvard Business Review*. Retrieved from [HBR.org](

https://hbr.org).

Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (1987). *Active Listening*. In M. H. Allen (Ed.), *The Handbook of Human Communication* (pp. 171-182). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). *Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life*. PuddleDancer Press.

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An Integrative Theory of Intergroup Conflict. In W. G. Austin & S. Worchel (Eds.), *The Social Psychology of Intergroup Relations* (pp. 33-47). Brooks-Cole.

Important Note: This is not a substitute for mental health therapy or medical advice. For questions about your specific situation, seek a mental health professional (not AI; that’s a whole other post). These pages are only meant to complement the work you are already doing on your mental health journey. ~National Suicide Hotline #988.